Becoming 'normal' again

 Firstly I want to start with something I forgot to include in my previous blog which reflected on 2013. I want to say thank you to everyone who helped me in such a tough year. I have gained friends and support on Twitter, have become much closer to old friends and have also drifted apart from others. It seems sad that a tragedy can provoke such a loss but on the flip side of that it makes you realise who your true friends are. This is something that my sister and teenage niece, Amber have discovered too. Amber may only be 14 but she has such a mature head on her. Furthermore, what Rosie was great at is being a good judge of character and even after her death she has proved who can be relied on in such difficult times. Ele, who I have known nearly my whole life, has been wonderful and I know after seeing her the other day I can talk to her about all of my feelings. So although I have been feeling lonely I know that if I just have a few great friends I'll never be lonely again.
 On the subject of friends I was suprisingly invited to an old school friends party. I hadn't seen many of the girls attending for over 4 years and although was very friendly with them all at school wasn't as close to them now as others were. I had bumped into one friend recently when in Andover where I said what had happened to Rose. After feeling low and quite lonely after Rosie's death I really appreciated being invited. I did find out a few days after accepting my invitation that a girl who I had fallen out with would be going - this may sound childish (I am still young really) it did worry me as I didn't want any drama or problems. At one point I thought I should not go as she was closer to them but after much deliberation and with some advice from my mum I decided to go nonetheless. The conclusion was, life is too short, something I am so aware of now. Rosie knew all about my feelings towards this girl and how much hurt she had caused me those years ago and it would of been Rose I turned to for help. So when I heard 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' come on when I was driving (this song was played at Rose's funeral) it made me think I had made the right decision by going.
 Going to the party was lovely. I caught up with old friends and found out who was doing what. Although 4 years isn't a lot in comparison to many reunions these 4 years included leaving school, going to university and onto the big wide world of job hunting. Everyone had heard of my Ironman achievements, in fact the girl who I had fallen out with was in fact scared of coming because I was an Ironman now and lifted weights! I may be an Ironman but I still have a heart that could cause no harm. The night was great, although I did struggle when we went out to Andover. The last time I was in that club was for Rosie's 18th birthday celebrations and I couldn't shake that. I kept staring at the chairs we sat at and how much fun that night was. If there ever was a movie flashback moment in my head it was then. My friends were being really kind - although I began to get teary and was standing watching rather than dancing I was never left alone. This is a true testament to the people I was with. Thank you all for understanding. I then decided to just drink through it to try and perk myself up (Rose would've done the same) and a few double vodkas later I was up dancing. Despite getting a guy kicked out as he tried to spike me it was a good night which rekindled friendships.
 

A few of the girls whilst out in Andover

 So what else has happened. Well New Years was nothing special as I worked and furthermore I had signed upto 'Poppyfields Equator Challenge'. This is a charity event organised by a Twitter friend I recently met who completed the Outlaw in 2013 whilst wearing a morph suit - just incredible. He did this to raise money for his niece, Poppy, who was diagnosed with a brain tumour at 14 months and after 4 brain operations, chemotherapy and radiotherapy is about to celebrate her 11th birthday. The aim of this challenge is to exercise everyday and track your mileage. Everyone who is involved pays a £5 entry fee and for everyday you miss you pay a £1 fine. The idea is to collect everyones mileage and the aim is to 'go around the world' and get to the equator and back. So this was yet another way for me to boost myself to get the miles in as well as help someone else's niece, a relationship that is so special to me.So on the 1st of Januray I went on the Wattbike to track my mileage. When I was at work I continued this pattern and after 4 sessions I was finally almost back to the speed and efficiency I was a month after the Ironman. So muscle memory does exist! I hope to exceed this fitness in the not too distant future.

My Wattbike achievements

 Furthermore, this breakthrough in fitness was powered by my new sponsors and nutrition brand Jackoatbar. I had been contacted by them on Twitter a few days before asking whether I would like to be a brand ambassador for them which I of course happily agreed to. Furthermore, the founder took the time to send me a long email explaining in detail what nutrition to take on the lead up to an Ironman but most importantly during an Ironman. This information is invaluable as although I used gels in Wales I am no expert and just took them when I felt necessary just to get me to the finish. Now that my goal is higher my nutrition and training needs to get more serious so this advice was great. So thank you Brett from Jackoatbar. Also it's handy that the bars are bloody tasty! Some sport nutrition bars can taste foul but these flapjacks with varying flavours are delicious and a guilt free treat when training. My next delivery is in February and I can't wait! I look forward to working with you Jackoatbar!http://www.jackoatbar.com/
 

Yummy Jackoatbars to fuel me getting to Kona

 On my day off on Thursday (2nd Jan) I made it a busy one. I had my hair highlighted and again put the pink back in my hair in memory of Rose (a shameful selfie is shown). After that I went to a physio session where I hobbled out after feeling like I had been beaten up for half and hour. I then finished the day off with a 400m time trial and a swim bleep test. I didn't set any groundbreaking records that night but was pleased I went as it set me a benchmark. My 6m32 is no 400m PB, far from it, but I got held up in the lane and the outdoor pool (where I was proudly one of the few without a wetsuit) is slightly longer than the standard 25m. Also, my bleep test result of 26secs is nothing to shout about - but again I know I can improve (in fact I still think I could've pushed it more on the night). However, I am pleased I went and it kickstarted swimming in 2014. Getting back into my routine seems to be the only thing that makes me feel 'normal' again. There have been moments at work where I felt emotionally exhausted and needed time but it's now I realise that keeping myself busy training keeps me motivated and happier. Of course I always think of Rose and constantly feel my loss and will continue to have bad moments as the pain of losing Rose comes in waves. Sometimes I will just crash and I and everyone in my life need to know that. Normally I have a bad moment when driving alone, this is probably because that has always been the place I think the most and make most of my decisions. However, I am managing to control this, so even if I do let everything out when driving to work I put my 'face on' (sometimes I do actually put a new face of makeup on) and then become loud, chirpy and happy Hollie when walking into work. 

My shameful selfie with my new pink hair

 On a more positive note I am so excited for Lanzarote training with my Dad in March. Not only because I cannot wait to get away from this miserable British weather and get some sun but also to get me on track and moreover to spend some quality time with my Dad. I have also begun the process of getting my custom made trisuit designed - what is for definite is you will not miss me, so watch this space!
 So the routine is back and I'm slowly becoming the 'normal' me again - an albeit different me after such a tragedy but a somewhat happier me. I hope 2014 is my year.