My birthday swim success

 Well my last blog was upbeat, motivational and probably the happiest one I have written in months. However, without dwelling on my grief too much I did have a crash on the Saturday night (18th). I'm not moaning as I know full well the challenge I have taken on but I had been working a lot doing every day of overtime that was offered to me as well as keeping up with my new training plan - getting me up at 4am some days and not getting me home until 11pm. I was exhausted and I just felt deflated. Dan has also been working all hours of the day recently so I was alone. I had some wine and got emotional, getting angry and sad thinking about the unfairness of losing Rose. However, I still got myself up the day after for training and work, continuing my new training routine (the only thing I think is actually keeping me going). However, I wasn't great that Sunday, I was quiet at work and disinterested constantly thinking about Rosie. But I always knew that I would have bad days and it just made me more aware that my grief will continue to hit me in waves whenever it so chooses throughout my life. This is just something I have to adapt myself to be able to cope with and when grief does hit me I need to remind myself again the reasons I am doing what I am doing. To quote my previous blog, 'Remember what you're fighting for'. On the Sunday night after my shift, the day after my meltdown, I received an old picture from my sister of Rosie and I as children. This picture shows the love Rosie and I shared and captures the close sisterly bond we formed from a young age. This has since been an image I cherish an unbelievable amount. I don't know to what extent I explained mine and Rosie's relationship on here, but she always was more than a niece to me. With no exaggeration Rose made my childhood what it was. I was only three when Rosie was born and my sister lived down the road from me. I would spend a lot of my time there so Rose became more like my younger sister (even though that title still doesn't do justice what she really meant to me). She was my best friend and we were inseparable. Of course we could play like angels but like any sibling relationship we could fight like devils too but that made us closer. My sister, Emma, had Rosie at a young age and for the first part of Rosie's life was a single mum. Through this time I grew extremely close to both Emma and Rose and I know that through Rosie's death mine and Emma's bond has also been strengthened. I could say so much more about Rosie and I, the fun and laughter we shared but I believe this picture shows it all. In fact if you look at the picture of Rosie and I as children compared to the picture of Rosie and I at her 18th birthday the love is still evident despite the years that have passed. Rosie was never and will never be 'just' a niece to me. I was protective over her like a mother, played and shared secrets with her like a sister, and loved her fiercely as an aunt, best friend and sister.  

Rosie and I as children

Rosie and I at Rose's 18th 2012

      

 On a lighter note I made a funny discovery when changing after a gym session last week. I realised on Monday (20th) I had put my pants on inside out three times in a week. I had obviously done this in the dark when getting ready for the gym in the early hours but it made me laugh out loud when I discovered this. Much like my cramp scene that I explained in my last blog, I began laughing to myself with other people present. However, again, if I can laugh at the little things like that then I'm in the right sport as I'm sure it won't be the last time I make the foolish mistake. In fact many people who I told suggested its a sign of good luck and they're my super hero pants. Another error I regularly make is forgetting my towel meaning I have to drip dry and do star jumps to try and dry myself. Having to be so organised for my early training starts are affecting my ability to dress and dry properly. I would love to think I'll get more organised with time but a zebra never loses his stripes :).

 

 The other thing that happened that week on Wednesday the 22nd was my 23rd birthday. On the Tuesday I had a day off (hooray) and decided to make my birthday cake. As well as that I was scheduled for a long run, spin and swim. Once my red velvet birthday cake was made I went off on a 1h30 run which was my longest run since I began getting physio and again had no pain. After a little rest and some dinner it was off to spinning. I always enjoy a tough spin class and this didn't disappoint and although I was tired as per usual after this intense day I was looking forward to swimming. When I got onto the poolside I saw a breaststroke swimmer in the fast lane (cue another rant). As opposed to getting out she insisted in staying there and just stopped as soon as I caught up with her, which without sounding cocky was pretty often. When I got to my main set there was the bloke from last week who also loves to do some breaststroke so I was equally frustrated when I saw him get in 'my' lane. However, I was determined to do well on my main set which was again 8x200m. When at a technique swim session on the Friday before I discovered my hand had been entering the water wrong (thumb first). I don't know when I started doing this but it meant I had been habitually doing my arm stroke for front crawl wrong for years. I should have been entering the water with a flat hand and in effect spearing the water with the tips of all my fingers. After lots of slow and concentrated drills to rectify this on Friday I decided to try my new simple stroke change on the Tuesday. As the aim of the set is to get each 200m (8 lengths) quicker I decided to take it easy focussing on my stroke - reaching out, spearing the water and pull through under water. I recorded my 200m at 3m21 which I was overwhelmed at when you consider my best just a week before was 3m35. That's almost 15 seconds off my time in just a week with a tiny stroke adjustment and I wasn't pushing the pace at all. I was so pleased! I later worked out (well someone else worked it out) that that is 4 minutes off an Ironman distance swim - amazing! I got out of the pool an hour later in a great mood.

 The day after my euphoric swim improvement it was my birthday. I wanted to keep myself busy during the day as knew I would find it tough thinking of Rose not being there. As I was getting ready for work I played 'i giorni' by Ludovico Einaudi. Ryan, Rosie's boyfriend, played this on the piano at her funeral. I have struggled to listen to it since that day and have had to walk out of the room if Ryan began to play it. I wasn't trying to purposely make myself upset I just really wanted to listen to it to reflect and think about Rose. I'll admit I did get really upset when I first put it on but then I closed my eyes whilst in the shower and thought about all the things Rose and I did together. It is truly amazing how much emotion, memory and calm one song can provoke. It was a special moment reflecting on Rosie's life on my birthday. I did get a sense of unfairness when I thought about us being in CentreParcs with the whole family at the same time last year but it was a nice quiet moment which I continued when driving to work. It is a truly beautiful song. The day went relatively quickly, I got a big cheer when I walked into work and opened some cards and presents at work - I wanted something to cheer me up. I did start welling up when I saw the card from my nieces and nephew which had Rosie's name included but I ended up smiling over it. I had work the next day and wasn't fussed on drinking so I did what I love and went for a birthday swim with the Tri Club. This session was a 26 x 100m (4 lengths). I thoroughly enjoyed the session and really found the improvement in my stroke beneficial. In fact I have even debated with myself going upto the faster lane as I was constantly on the toes of the others in my lane and sometimes even left it half a length before I started to swim so I wasn't held up. Question is, is it better to be the fastest in the middle lane or the slowest in the fastest lane? However, upon finishing I found out I got a PB in an my half Ironman distance swim with 28m40. With that result I am on track for a sub hour Ironman swim! What could be better than a PB on your birthday? Furthermore, if I want to improve my stroke even more I know the man to talk to. There is a guy at the Tri Club who visits a someone at Canary Wharf to assess his stroke. He is one of the fastest swimmers at the club and said he saw him, slogged away at the drills he was given and went from an uncomfortable 57min IM swim to a comfortable 53minutes. So I have gone against what I said a few months back about the swim being the hardest to cut the time off as I have made it evident within one week that is rubbish!

 With my new coach and determination to listen and improve I should be cutting my times off all over the place, there is no room for marginal gains I need big ones!

My homemade birthday cake of course with a little bit of Rose there too