Ever had days when you just CBA (can't be arsed)? I am not just referring to the athletes out there but to everyone. Whether it's going for a run, cleaning the house or shopping. Well, I have just had a whole week of it. I can safely say it has been one of the flattest weeks since moving to Lanzarote. Everything seemed like too much trouble and I would rather have hidden in the flat than venture outside. It all started on Friday the 13th (ironically).
I was up until 4am having one of my 'moments'. I was crying so hard
about the unfairness of life and losing Rosie I couldn't breathe. I felt the depression I was swirling into when back
the UK trying to swallow me up again and the fear of this happening scared me. I felt like the mask of 'happy Hollie' that I put on daily was starting to
break. More shockingly I wanted out of Ironman and ungratefully wanted my journey to Kona to be over. I believed it was too big for me and defined me
more than I wanted it to. Moreover, I was angry - I didn't choose this
life. Rosie's death took me on a life I didn't expect and I wanted her
and my old life back. I did not want to be in this position, to have lost someone I expected to share my life with. Things always seem worse at 4am but I felt
completely alone in my emotions. The mind is a complete minefield, no-one knows how another is feeling.
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| The back of my custom Trisuit |
However, come 8am, after 4 hours sleep I was confused and exhausted. I was greeted in the morning with breakfast in bed seeing as it was Valentines Day (thanks Nathan). Shortly after that however I had to pay attention to my first triathlon of the year which I was competing in a few hours later. (This was however a great platform to show off my new custom kit). I was however mentally and physically exhausted. Amy (my triathlon partner in crime) did a sterling job of keeping me company and 'high' whilst we prepared for the Sprint triathlon in Playa Blancha we really couldn't be bothered to do. We kept reminding ourselves this is supposed to be fun so that's what we tried to do. The race isn't worth a full race report however I managed a PB of 1h18 with choppy seas and a chain that decided to come off 3 times mid race, affecting my overall time by about a minute. This was frustrating but not the end of the world. First race, not my distance, bad nights sleep etc. The finish was greeted with Tapas and beer, of which Amy and I had both. I loved the race and it was great to see the TriActiv kids do so well. I believed it was the kick I needed.
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| In action - thanks for the shot James Mitchell |
However the next week left me deflated and lacking motivation. Motivation doesn't just get given in abundance. You have to work for it
sometimes. I have Rose as my inspiration however sometimes the bigger
picture of why I am doing what I am doing creeps in. My legacy will never bring what I truly want back. With all this negativity I will thankfully let you know that I think I am starting to get the Hollie that everyone knows and loves back. I spent the week thinking a lot about peoples' Ironman journey's and how they let it control their lives. I made a promise to myself that I will never do that. Why punish yourself for something that really is meant to be fun? Take the pressure off and enjoy the ride. I have had many people reiterate this to me this week - I have done what I set out to and proved my point, I am now a Kona qualifying athlete and admit I have still not let that sink in. I need to enjoy this fact. I love the atmosphere and community I am within in triathlon but it does not define who I am. I will never be pro, never do I want to be, so why do some take the thrill out of what is, after all, only a hobby? I want to enjoy my life, my food, my drink and therefore not change who I fundamentally am. This said I owe a lot to Ironman. Throwing myself into Ironman and training was a focus that brought me out of the hardest times of my life. It was and still is my coping mechanism to make me feel alive when mentally I feel dead. My only reservation over some is find that balance in life and never lose sight of who YOU are and always be true to yourself.
It has taken a week of pep talks and
analysing to realise that although this isn't the life I had planned (on a side thought what is planned?) it is the one that has
been given to me and I need to utilise it. It also took a good 2 hour
ride with the AK (Amy Kilpin) to realise that I am pretty damn lucky to
be living and training where I am. Sure the wind was hellbent on pushing
us off but it was a beautiful Sunday morning and we were doing a nice
45km ride in the sun. What more could a triathlete want? We spoke on that ride about how quick a year has gone and whilst reflecting on that I realised how much my circumstances have changed. I am now in a new amazing relationship and seriously happy within it, got an amazing coach, amazing friends, amazing family (even though I miss them daily) and am living in a triathletes paradise in Lanzarote.
This was not the life I wanted but then life is all about taking the ups with the downs and much like motivation you can't be 'on it' all the time; you have to ride the waves. I have learned to accept this. I believe I am on the earth for a reason and as Rosie can't live hers anymore, I'll do mine to the best of my ability and push my limits daily. I still have another 8 months until my 'A' race in Kona and there will probably be many more of these dips. My crash days and the days I don't want to move from the gripping grief will never pass. However, with the support I have I can make my road to Kona a journey to never forget.
Tomorrow is a new day and the start of a new week and a new training plan. This will see me doing the hardest training I have ever done with a whopping 27 hours of hard work. 'Nothing great is easy' is a quote that rings so true. A fresh start and clean slate. Kona I'm coming.
