Reflections and Resolutions

 So, I suppose it's that time of year again; a time to reflect on the year we have had and to outline the objectives for the next. It is of course the New Year’s Resolution blog post. This will also be the first time I can post this type of blog due to only starting blogging this year. For everyone who has been reading my blog throughout the year I'm sure it is very apparent that I have had a year with a great achievement but also of great sadness. I have simply summed this year up as the best and worst of my life. I achieved my lifetime dream of becoming an Ironman - a truly euphoric moment which then felt insignificant when I discovered the loss of my niece Rosie shortly after crossing the line. However, as tragic as my year has been I do know I have to acknowledge my achievements in 2013. I completed two marathons, the London Marathon for the second time, and the Salisbury Marathon which I completed despite being ill. I also got a PB at Marlow half marathon in 2h03 and managed a 100mile bike in under 6 hours. I also completed numerous sprint and olympic triathlons exceeding my personal bests each time. Furthermore, of course, I particularly have to pay attention to my achievement on the 8th September this year where I completed Ironman Wales in 14h05 (an hour quicker than I anticipated). 

 However, where there's and up, there's always a down. I picked up a knee injury and had my first DNF at the half Ironman in Wimbleball due to a crash but although I was down, being stubborn, I got back up trained with a broken finger and will be back in June 2014 to complete my unfinished business there. It is evident that the hardest and toughest part of 2013 was losing Rose, something I will never be able to get over. I've struggled to get the motivation to train again since losing her and also have a bitter and cynical outlook on life at present. However, I hope that 2014 doesn't just bring new achievements I hope it gives me a new lease of life and a new focus - a sort of cleansing. Now, I'll admit I am normally always the first to dislike the statement 'New Year - New Me' but I am truly getting into that mantra this time no matter how cliché it may sound. I need to get in the best physical state in preparation for Ironman Lanzarote and Ironman Wales. Furthermore, I need to be mentally prepared for all I want to achieve. I know this 'cleansing' may seem like a naive way to look at the New Year. There is no magic wand which will make my feelings and grief disappear just because there is a new year. However, to me it signifies a new slate and if that simple thought helps me mentally kick myself in the butt then that's fine with me and from then on I'll work hard to achieve all I want to in 2014.

 

  So, what has happened in the time since I last wrote? Firstly, I went to my first physiotherapy session for my ITB. There was no nice way for the physio to tell me that the strength in my glutes were appalling which was causing me the pain. He could actually tell this just by looking at my legs but decided to prove it even more by giving me certain exercises to attempt - which were all an embarrassing show of my weakness. However, although we did have a laugh at how weak my glutes were there was stern message to be had about the lack of strength and conditioning I had not included in my training routine. I explained that becoming an Ironman was just something I wanted to do and I trained hard to get there. I have since promised that now my goals are more serious I will include conditioning into my training. My warning explained that if I carried on the way I was going, i.e. in constant pain and running through it, I would not be too far away from being irreversibly in agony as my patella is slowly moving towards the inside of my knee - potentially moving it to rest on the next grove underneath it. I have since thought that the severity of my weak glutes through to my knee could well be the cause of the pain within my left knee including the ligament pain and the sharp pain I got when cycling in Ironman Wales which stopped me being able to use my left leg completely. I walked out pleased that I had some answers as to why I got so much pain when running (I think I was also secretly relieved there was something evidently wrong). Furthermore, I am so happy that it can be fixed before any serious damage is done. More importantly, I was filled with the knowledge and positivity that if I train well according to a proper conditioned programme and do my exercises I will definitely become a faster runner and even more importantly will be doing so pain free. I was ecstatic walking out but I did however have one pressing question. What about all my events and most importantly Ironman Lanzarote? Would he recommend I not compete? My next event was a 10 mile run on the 29th December and then starting on the 8th of February where I have my first event of 2014 (a coastal Devon marathon) I am full of endurance events until May. I was told not to do the 10 miler in December but assured that if I keep up with the exercises I would be OK for February's marathon. That was a deal I took so I cancelled the 10 miler and doing my exercises on a regular basis. I'm finally on the road to recovery!

 

  The second thing that happened since my last blog is the emails I have received. After my last blog which explained the worries over Becky Hoare, the Kona qualifying athlete who is in my age group in Lanzarote, I got an email from her. It was a tough email to read but also a nice one. Becky made it aware that she was going for a Kona slot again and had as athletes do been sniffing me out as much as I had her. She explained her own story and reasons for wanting to get to Kona again which was good to hear. We both have completely different reasons for aspiring to qualify but that doesn't make either of our quests more worthwhile. We have both had to overcome certain obstacles and make sacrifices. We have since exchanged a few emails and have even arranged to go on a training ride in the week before the Ironman in May. We may be 'rivals' in the Ironman World but that doesn't mean there should be any hostility. We both have the same goals and passion and that to me should be shared.

  I also received an email from the Director of Communications for Ironman Europe, Stefan Jäger. He wrote, "I've been with IRONMAN for more than two years and heard thousands of stories. Yours just brought tears to my eyes. All the best, I'll see you at the finish line." I have to say that this email, as small a gesture it was, brought tears to my eyes. To hear this from the organisers of an event which is my passion was a lovely thing to hear. Thank you both Becky and Stefan for your emails.

 

  Obviously, the third thing which has happened is Christmas. I never expected this year to be easy, far from that but I found it tougher than I thought. This time of year reminded of the childhood memories I had with Rose at Christmas. On many occasions Rosie and the family would sleep over and we would have Christmas at mums. After putting out Santa's mince pie, brandy and a carrot we would sing Jingle Bells up the stairs (a tradition that stands today) and then share a bed. We would stay up until the early hours giggling and saying how excited we were and no matter how hard we tried we could not sleep. We would tell stories and try and guess what Santa had brought us. When we finally nodded off we would then wake up every hour asking if it was time to get up yet and again and again would be told to back to bed "for another hour". When we were eventually allowed downstairs we were of course insanely spoilt by our family and spent the rest of the morning playing with our presents until Joyce (my nan) came with more in a huge stocking. These are some of the best moments of my life which I cherish so much now - the childhood Rosie and I had together was truly special.

 Furthermore, this year I missed my sister, brother-in-law, nieces and nephew terribly whilst they were away skiing. Them not being there made it even more evident of the loss we suffered this year. This does not mean I did not enjoy Christmas - far from that - it was lovely to spend Christmas Eve and the morning of Christmas Day with my parents, brother, sister-in-law and youngest niece but we all missed Emma and the kids, and of course were all thinking of Rosie. As I was working a night shift on Christmas Day we were all having our Christmas dinner and drinks on Christmas Eve. I had copious amounts of champagne and even made a trip to the village pub where I had a good chat with one of Rosie's good friends, Max. I then decided much to everyone's disbelief that I wanted to go to Midnight Mass - a tradition I love to do. I normally always go there after a drink and I enjoy singing the carols at my village church - I always say jokingly it is my one time of the year I go to repent of all my sins throughout the year. My mum despite sometimes joining me at Midnight Mass on occasions said she could not face it, and no-one else fancied it so I went alone. It was not long into the service that I began to get emotional. I believe it was during the prayers, one in particular that prayed for all those who could not be there this Christmas time. I thought of Rose not being with us, I thought of Dan's mum who lost her mother recently, I thought of my friend Gill from the Tri Club who lost her husband this year, I thought of my work colleagues who have recently lost their fathers, I thought of a family friend who lost their brother and I thought of all those who have lost their lives in Afghanistan. I also thought about people whose Christmas may be changed forever due to a tragedy. With all the tragedy I have witnessed in 2013 I knew that what I previously thought didn't happen very often, does, and I prayed for them too. I was tearful throughout the service but began breaking down when getting communion and when on the walk back lowered my face so no-one would see me. That tactic can't have worked as during the last carol, Sandra, a very close family friend came over stood with me, hugged me and calmed my sobs. After the service I sat for a while - I couldn't say anything, even if I had wanted to, but just thanked Sandra for coming over. On the walk back I stopped, sat on a wall and stared at the clear sky full of stars. I had never seen the stars so bright and the sky so clear - it was memorising. I found a star I thought to be Rose which gave me comfort. I could've stayed there, the cold was not affecting me (that could've been an alcohol blanket though) and I felt transfixed by the beautiful sky. When I decided to walk on I felt like the stars and sky were watching me get home. Although I had let out many tears and was exhausted when I went to bed I could not sleep, I continued to cry until my eyes felt puffy and sore. I text a work colleague and friend who I knew was on a night shift and he continued to reply with some lovely and comforting words - I can't thank you enough. I must've got a maximum combined sleep of 3hours that night. Despite the pain going to Midnight Mass caused me I do not regret going as there were a lot of built up emotions that finally found their way out.

 I managed to get through my Christmas and Boxing Day night shifts with no issues and was glad to see the back of nights for another month (I felt like I had been on them for ages). So now it is the day before New Year’s Eve and my first plan to kick start 2014 into an achieving one is to get a coach. It has become very apparent to me that although I can assess myself I cannot qualify to Kona alone. I do not have the skills, knowledge and time to get faster alone. (I only say time because of the preparation a proper training plan takes). Ironman is getting more popular and I need to get much faster. Whereas a few years, maybe even a year ago, I could've qualified with my timings that does not make it possible now due to the increased competition. My goal is so big I believe it sometimes makes it too daunting - I need someone to motivate me even more than I can do myself and given my time frame for success need quick results. I also know that Becky Hoare has a coach and had done to get to Kona. Furthermore, Twitter friend Amy Kilpin does too. In fact as I mentioned in a previous blog she has the coach I am interested in teaming up with. Rick Kiddle is based just down the road from me in High Wycombe so is perfectly located (I have written about him and his attributes in blog post 'Down but not out' on the

8th December).

 So, back to the imminent arrival of 2014. I do not have a proper list of New Year’s resolutions as more often than not they are unachievable and vastly unmaintainable. I would love to write qualify for Kona but also know that this may not necessarily happen in 2014 but that does not mean I am not going to give it my very best. Overall I hope I grow and develop as a person and as an experienced triathlete and Ironman. Furthermore, although I am also not going to write down the generic 'lose weight' I hope this naturally happens anyway given the increase in focussed training I shall be doing. So my black and white resolutions are; lose weight and get to Kona but in realistic terms I want to be in the best shape I can be physically and mentally for all my events and all I want to achieve in 2014. A final resolution I want to live upto is a statement I read out in Rosie's tribute; live everyday as if it is your last. On top of that to never go a day without telling my loved ones how much they mean to me. If 2013 has taught me anything it is that life is too short and very fragile, much more so than I previously believed. Enjoy life while you are here and make your imprint on the world as great and as passionate as you can.

 

 Well, there is really no more to say now than Happy New Year everyone - I truly wish you all achieve everything you want to and no matter what can look at your successes in 2013. For my own personal reasons, I say good riddance to it and hope and pray that 2014 will be a good one. Thank you all for reading over the last year and I'll be back in 2014. HAPPY NEW YEAR!