Guess who's back? Finally recovered from Lanzarote!

 Well it has been sometime since I last updated this and feel it is due. In my last post I briefly delved into my personal life and was was feeling ridiculously sorry for myself. I blamed my diet for why I did so and vowed to change. That I have but my illness that lasted over a week cannot have been due to IBS. I never found the real cause but have put it down to food poisoning from a takeaway or from swimming in the Jubilee River the day before I began to feel rough. The water did smell funny and afterwards found that other people had come down with sickness after swimming in it, although admittedly no-one in my swim group. My theory is that my immune system was weak from the battering my body took during Ironman Lanzarote, so if I was going to get ill (which happens very often) it was bound to happen when my body was at it's weakest. Whatever it was it sent me crashing down. I was bed bound with such horrific pain I was on the verge of sending myself to A&E. Never wanting to make a fuss however I didn't and just let whatever it was pass.
 I did however have to make a very difficult decision that week as I lay in bed. Wimbleball the event that beat me last year was on the Sunday - on Wednesday I hadn't eaten for 4 days and was still confined to my bed. Everyone from my parents to my followers said I would be stupid to compete even if the intention was just to finish. Doing it when not 100% fit could put me out for weeks after. I had for once to think about myself and my body and more importantly the end goal. I needed to be fighting fit for Ironman Wales. Even though that was 13 weeks away you would be surprised of the effects it could have. So I pulled out of Ironman UK 70.3 - it would have to be third time lucky. Yet again thank you to everyone's support and understanding when I made the announcement.

My announcement on Facebook

Our home for the weekend

 However, although I didn't compete I still went to Wimbleball. We had booked a motorhome and was having a getaway with my parents. My mum was always going to volunteer so we decided to join in too and due to our help I got entry for next year too - result! The weekend was great despite it being tough to see others competing and not being involved. However, I didn't have much time to think of this as I was so unbelievably busy that day - I get paid to do less work! Never again will I take for granted the work volunteers do during these events so let this be a lesson to all you who compete be kind and say thank you - it really was appreciated when people did and made up for the idiots who were very rude and somewhat aggressive sometimes. Without the volunteers the event would just not happen in the organised manner it does. After these tiring few days I went to my parents stationary caravan in Devon for 4 days. By this time I was on the road to a proper recovery and could stomach real food. I lost 7lbs the week before so took this as I could eat everything I love in a final holiday binge. I didn't actually go as mad as I could've done and by then end of the holiday on the Thursday had only put on 2lbs.

Chilling with a glass in my favourite place

I wasn't lying - water all night!

 On the Saturday my clean eating officially started. I worked the weekend and went to London to see my sister on the Saturday evening after work. I had a bit of a rubbish day emotionally, anything and everything was getting me down, which meant oddly I didn't fancy a drink. So I had diet coke and water all night - WOW!
 On the Monday I was treated to Afternoon Tea in London, taking my rest day of the week on this day. On the Tuesday I also did something that I was desperate to get off my chest. In order to be allowed to swim the Channel everyone in the team has to do a 2 hour non-wetsuit qualifying swim in water under 16 degrees. This had to be done by July and I was freaking out especially as my last visit to Bournemouth a mere week after Lanzarote I was so unbelievably cold after 45 minutes I had to swim back meaning I only managed 1h20. So Gill, Julia and I travelled down to Boscombe early Tuesday morning. We were in the water at 9am when the gorgeous sunshine was starting to come out. The idea was to swim from Boscombe Pier to Bournemouth Pier and back - if we had to do more to make the 2 hour time we would have to start swimming back towards Bournemouth. Something I have come to the realisation of during my non-wetsuit swims is that I am a woos getting in the water, it takes me longer than everyone else, but I get in and after a few words to myself normally always repeating 'Man up' I do get in and get into my rhythm. Although I began swimming after Gill and Julia I had caught up before long and was soon leading our small pack and was just going at a comfortable pace. Although my thighs were the first thing to lose feeling of I was feeling great (I still find this odd as with the size of my thighs would've thought they would keep the heat). As cliche as it sounds I felt liberated, free and happy. Swimming open water particularly in the sea has this amazing feeling of calm and serenity and I am blessed I can experience this (although I am always consciously looking out for my feared jellyfish!). We made it to Bournemouth Pier (2 miles) in 45 minutes, time to turn around. I was cold obviously but not is serious discomfort. The way back was tough, the tide was completely against us and it didn't take me long to realise this. However rather than get demoralised by the little distance we were moving by looking at things in the distance I focussed on getting to each post on my left which were the break water posts jutting off the shore. I stopped every so often to ask if Julia was OK and ask how long we had swum as annoyingly my watch decided it didn't want to work that morning. One time she shouted out 1h15 and I could've cried. Is that it? I was tired, hungry and ready to get out! Unbelievably the next time I asked Julia the time we had been in the water for 1h45. I had completely zoned out for 30 minutes. I was thinking about Rose and everything I would say to her if she were still here. I was talking to her in my head whilst in my calm place and watching the fish swim below me (yes the Bournemouth water really was that clear!). When I realised I only had 15 minutes left I was elated. The second we touched the pier the watch said we had done 2 hours. Just WOW! The weather was gorgeous and we all shared a hug on the beach. Children were building sandcastles whilst us mentalists in swimming costumes were parading around with beaming smiles on our faces.

My costume tan lines after my 2 hour Bournemouth swim

I recovered with a hot chocolate and the day unbelievably got even better. My best and oldest friend of 21 years Ele, came over for the night. We went on a 10 mile run, chatted and I made a homemade healthy meal. Before work the day after we also did a testing 5km together around my new home.

I feel the best I have in ages. My diet is on form and I am announcing it - I am finally properly recovered from Lanzarote! Five weeks, an illness and a house move and I have found my mojo again. I cannot wait until my next event which will be an Olympic triathlon with Rosie's boyfriend, Ryan. This is something he is doing in memory of Rose and I am honoured to do it with him. In fact this morning I took him on his first open water swim. Rosie would have been so proud and I'm sure she would've been laughing and smiling seeing her boyfriend and auntie swimming together in a lake at 7am. She would've laughed even more if she saw me trying to teach Ryan to sight and draft behind me only to discover him going towards the trees a minute later which then meant I was whistling at him to come back!
 Also on a another point regarding my events I also have the Outlaw Ironman distance triathlon in July that I was concerned about doing since coming back from Lanzarote but have since decided I am going to take part in it and am actually very excited for it. There will be many followers doing this and for the first time ever people are actually expecting to see me there. I will not let them or myself down. I also feel I need this event for some motivation going into Wales 6 weeks after especially after the horrors of Lanzarote.

 Although I am on top form physically, mentally this has been a tough week. Living alone is what I craved and being closer to my family is just lovely however this does make our loss more evident. However, although being 10 minutes from the village where Rose and I grew up is a constant reminder I think in time this may help me. I am beginning to open up to my family more. Last night I even broke down and hugged my mum, something I sadly hadn't done due to my own technique of bottling my emotions. The outburst of emotions was due to a beautiful bench in Rosie's memory being installed along a footpath all our family regularly use and have used. My sister's friends arranged for it to be made and yesterday it found home. The spot looks over our village and the simple beauty of the view is breathtaking. I have many memories of Rosie in this spot - where the bench is placed is where Rosie and I had many chats and most prominently it is the exact spot I went to upon returning to my village after Wales. I sat there for what seemed like hours looking at a rainbow that all my family saw, wherever they were in that moment. Rainbow's always remind us of Rose so this was a truly special moment. I went to see Rosie's bench after work on Wednesday. I don't know how long I was there for but I watched the sun go down in silence so when I left it was dark. I didn't want to leave and only did as my mum was worried about me and kept calling. It is a truly beautiful thing of Emma's friends to have done and truly shows the love within the village I was raised in. I hope that not only our family but others can use the bench as a place to have a quiet moment and to reflect not only on Rosie's life but the lives of others. I'm sure it will prove to be a place to maybe not heal our pain but help comfort us. No matter what Rosie's memory lives on and she will now always be looking over us.      

The time is now

 This blog is more of a filling in and for me will be relatively short. Since coming back from Lanzarote I have done a fair bit of training; a Wattbike test, some testing runs, a few bike rides, a Tri Club swim and 2 open water non wetsuit swims as part of my Channel Swim training. One of these was in Bournemouth and I got so cold it was unpleasant and only managed 1h20 when I was aiming for 1h30. My pace just wasn't up to scratch meaning my heart rate wasn't up and my core temperature suffered. I did manage to restore my faith at the tri club swim however as I kept the pace up when doing 100m sets hitting 1m30 on occasions.
 However, getting over my disappointment in Lanzarote has been a slow process physically and mentally. It hangs over me. My recovery has been slow and I have picked up 2 illnesses since getting back. I kept thinking to myself I didn't react like this last time, but then last time was different. I was faced with the tragic distraction of losing Rosie so I didn't know whether this fatigue was normal. I have been worn out, fatigued and my body was just not playing ball. So yes, I listened. I cut back from the training I was doing and faced some other demons.
 One of these demons is my next event, Ironman 70.3 in Wimbleball. This is a half Ironman in Devon that I attempted last year and did not finish due to crashing on the bike. Wimbleball is NOT an easy course and the bike course is the hardest in the world. I hadn't been back to the area since and even though I have probably done worse climbs in Lanzarote I fear the course even though I have no expectations for myself. On top of this I am worried about the spot where I came off last time and as I have never completed a half I for reason worry about it and with my slow recovery I was also worried about even finishing. This is something I just need to MTFU (man the fuck up) and get on with. I know I can do the distance, I've done a full Ironman twice with the hardest climbs in the world. I just needed to have faith in my ability. Since getting a boost on Twitter I am actually looking forward to the event especially as I'll be 'glamping' on site so no faffing with travelling down windy roads like last year and fearing I would ruin my car or be late for the event. I hope to soak up the atmosphere and just get round. I am not going to write down a time in which I would like to finish, in my head I have a time but my priority is just to finish in one piece (something my mum who was there worrying last year will be pleased to hear).

 On another point before Lanzarote I was eating well(ish) but I am not going to lie I had treats. I worked a lot of overtime and couldn't be bothered to cook when I got home after training so I would get a takeaway for dinner. I know this isn't a sin and even pro triathletes devour a Burger King once in a while as a congratulations. For me however it was the habitual ease of it. On top of that I have a very sensitive stomach (I've been diagnosed with IBS on some occasions but never say I have it as am sceptical of it being an actual condition). I've even done extreme exclusion diets to try and figure out the root cause. Not having enough fibre in one day for me can make me feel horrible for days. So I would go on my 'kick' of being good again until I was back to being lazy when preparing food - talk about catch 22. However, I cannot just blame work on this routine. For the last 3 months I have been living at Dan's nan's house, in a small spare room whilst the house went through (due to previous houses falling through we then lost our rental). I have been living out of a bag, not the stability someone who is trying to qualify for the World Championships needs. People may say this is a rubbish excuse but having my own space is something I pride and when I lost this my stability and motivation faltered. I fear that this may come across wrong to Dan's nan as she has been so welcoming and kind to let us stay for as long as we have, and I honestly cannot thank her enough for that. So my eating habits weren't great but I stayed consistent. I would be bad for a few days and equal it out the next (always getting a good high fibre breakfast in there - which ultimately saved me from serious discomfort). As I write this however I am in a huge amount of discomfort. I came back from Lanzarote and felt unstable, not helped by my mental disappointment (the majority of my stuff is yet to be unpacked due to lack of space). I am still motivated to get to Kona but just lacked the drive to get there. My diet was crap, I had no appetite so I ate anything just to keep the hunger pains away but this lacked my needed fibre. I have been told that after a big event like an Ironman you need those days to eat what you want to get it out of your system. Today however I spent the majority of the day in the foetal position feeling sorry for myself and I have currently consumed Buscopan, Iburpofen, Paracetamol and have a heat patch around my stomach. I thought I had food poisoning from the Beef Chow Mein I had delivered to work when on a night shift but although that may be the final factor for why I feel like this, I doubt it was because of a dodgy cow. So I have decided it is time for a change, and it is quite a drastic one...

 Last Friday I made a decision to move out, on my own. I had been fearing writing this down so not to offend anyone and worried about sharing too much of my life on a blogging site, but at the end of the day I always said this was a public diary and my personal journey. That said I am not delving far into my personal life. Being in such close confinement with someone no matter how close you are effects one another. I craved space and stability and I was getting neither where I was. I am also acutely aware I have changed as a person since losing Rose. My outlook on life and what I want from it has changed. I want to get to Kona for Rosie and accept every opportunity that comes my way. What I have learned from Lanzarote however, is that in order to get to Kona I need to make a change and make more sacrifices. Ironman is getting more competitive, even in my age group. Times for qualifying are going down and I need to get fitter and faster with them. So from Monday I make the change - I move out and focus on myself. I will be closer to my family something I think will help us all emotionally especially for me and my sister. She has been desperate for me to be closer since losing Rosie so we could comfort one another. I refused due to the commute to work, but an opportunity (my brothers old house becoming empty) made me make the push. I know deep down I am not coping well without Rose, years of pushing my feelings aside for trying to be 'the strong one' has come back to haunt me. Moving in alone also means I can pay complete and direct attention to Wales this year. This is my 'A' race and I really want to make it this year as I feel it would be the best place for me to qualify. I would therefore have completed my journey where it started. I will be focussing all I have to training in the next few months. My diet will be spot on, I'm in the process of making my nutrition plan now. There will be smoothies, fibre and even possibly tea without milk! (Green, fruit, peppermint, you name it I will try it). Dinner's will be simple, meat and vegetables and lunches will be pre made so not to be tempted to be lazy. Organisation is now key. I have never lived alone properly and know the motivation to cook well for yourself can be a struggle and that's where organisation is essential. Moreover, I hope to see some weight loss between now and Wales which will help my ability as well as my own confidence. Although none of this is about looking good I still have my hang ups that I would like to rid.
 So it's onto a detox for me. I am excited for this next chapter. With 98 days to Ironman Wales the time is now.