Friday 4 October 2013

The kindness of strangers

  Although this blog was and still is about my journey as an Ironman, the tragedy that my family and I have faced has affected my priorities and thoughts which in turn has altered my Ironman goals. This is apparent as it is readily known now that my aim for 2014 is to qualify for Kona (no easy feat). Furthermore as this really is a diary, albeit a public one, it is a way for me to express my thoughts. With this said, I have to say bluntly that I am struggling emotionally. Rose was like a sister to me as I was only three when she was lovingly bought into the world. Soon after that we became inseparable, constantly playing with 'Barbies', 'Bratz', 'Action Man' (you name it). We would fight as sisters and she would steal my clothes like sisters. She had recently grown into a stunning young lady and definitely a head turner (even if you heard her before you saw her). She was loving her university life in Nottingham and had a bright future ahead of her. This is what makes the situation so hard, cruel and unfair. She was loved by so many (that was evident by the amount of people who were at her thanksgiving) and was too young to be taken away from us all. I have always been a bottler of emotions and have tried to stay strong for my family, in particular my sister who has lost her eldest daughter. However, going back to work last week was tougher than I thought. I was on the night shifts for the fortnight which I believed would be good as no-one would really see me. Although that was the case the night shifts are never busy like the days so I was left to my own thoughts. I hadn't sat down and done nothing for weeks, even months, so this was a shock to the system. I think it was when I got back from my third night shift out of the five that I had noticed a change in myself. I arrived to my night shift in an almost 'high' mood and when I returned I was on a serious low. I was trying to psyche myself up for work and then throughout the night I would crash which made doing anything seem impossible. Was this normal? I had been putting a major front on to all my colleagues, even Dan, as if nothing was wrong when in fact inside it was.
  On the Monday morning I decided to try and help myself and emailed a colleague who had recently been in a similar situation. I simply asked does this get easier? They were reassuring as they told me it did, but did also explained it is a horrible and painful path. They also suggested counselling which I at first thought seemed extreme, the word has that connotation. However since then I have seriously considered this as all they are are a detached person to talk to who will listen or offer their professional advice. This is a service that my company offers for free. I am the only one of all my close family who doesn't live within a 15 minute radius of each other (this is due to my work and Dan's job as a retained firefighter). Therefore, I do not have the luxury of being near my family all the time, and I miss them all terribly. I hate being so far away at a time like this and I feel guilty to myself and my family that I am not with them.
  I am really struggling to cope and when I feel like that I do try and get myself out of the house and busy myself as there is not a second when I am not thinking about Rose. Sometimes I will think about it and just think it's not real so it won't affect me, whereas other times I will just crumble. I feel almost zombie like, as if I am just getting by without knowing how I feel one moment to the next. High to low, low to high, which I have no control over. As much as I am struggling I know my other family are too and I don't want to burden them with my feelings on them as then who am I helping? This is why I have considered counselling. I know this may seem like an insult to Dan, as many people will say if you have a partner use them to lean on, but I also don't want to burden Dan. I just try and smile through my pain.
  I know Dan may also take a little offence when I say how much comfort my puppy pug Larry has been. He does certainly not fill the void but he is a companion who relies on me but more so is a distraction. He will lie with me if I'm sat down and he will always make me laugh with his silly face and funny mannerisms that I'm sure only a pug can do.

  This brings me on to my other distractions. Firstly I began reading ultra marathon man, Dean Karnazes book 'Run!'. There is little more to say about Dean except for that he runs...a lot! Fifty miles overnight is nothing out of the ordinary for him, in fact it's a regular occurrence. He has competed and completed many of the hailed toughest footraces on earth, some of which he has done over 10 times. Dean in my eyes is absolutely mental, to me an Ironman is not a patch on what this guy achieves. It may be the first book I have read recently who isn't a triathlete or Ironman, but even within the first few chapters I could resonate with everything he wrote. This made me realise I am an endurance athlete as opposed to being simply defined as an Ironman. I am made for endurance (I never was a sprinter). I believe the main quality and skill you need to be an endurance athlete is grit determination - your brain can in most scenerios get you through many physical ailments you may have. One favourite quote which he begins with is, "somewhere along the line we seem to have confused comfort with happiness". No-one would be an endurance runner, triathlete, cyclist without pain, "There is magic in the misery".
  On the same notion there was one quote that really struck a chord with me, so much so that I instantly went on his website and wrote an email to him (even though I was sure they never see or read these); "Just as a problem free-life never makes a good and strong person, smooth roads never make a good runner" (in my case I would exchange runner for triathlete). I quoted this to a friend who had a bad race over the weekend and received his first DNF (did not finish), much as I did in Wimbleball half Ironman last year. The devastation of a DNF is gutting. However, as I said to him, 'sometimes you need to have a bad race to grow from it. It is the determination to get back on the bike that will prove you are a triathlete'. A further quote from Dean to back what I said is, "You cannot grow and expand your capabilities to their limits without running the risk of failure. Failure can provide invaluable lessons".
  I just want to return to Dean's first quote about a problem free-life in relation to running. The tragedy which I have been faced with is cruel and unfair but all I can do is take something from it and improve myself as a person and as an athlete as Rose would want me to. I shall continue to quote his words to myself for my sake and in honour of Rosie's life and her philosophical beliefs of always being the best you can be. A quote that will always remind me of Rose is, 'Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you'll land among the stars'. That is exactly what I aim to do, Ironman training is my distraction for good. I shall finish this paragraph off with an Einstein quote, "In the middle of difficulty lies the opportunity for growth".

  Something else I did not include in my previous blog was my trip to Amsterdam. Although this was never planning to be a healthy trip with the help of Dean's book I have managed to make quite a good evaluation of the short getaway. This trip fell just after Rosie's funeral and the day before I returned to work. Although I was sceptical about going at this time as I didn't want to leave my family and felt guilty for trying to enjoy myself, my Dad told me to go. His thoughts were that after all it would be time away to getaway and try and have some fun even given the circumstances. I have to say it was a good distraction. I don't think I have to explain in too much detail why my friend and I had planned to go to Amsterdam. She had suggested it to forget about her ex-boyfriend, and given the situation I was in, maybe I needed to try and forget too. Her idea to forget was to, as my brother would say, 'smoke da herb'. I have never smoked weed or tried so this was just a way of legally ticking it off I suppose. I found this quote from Lily Tomlin in Deans' book on my return, "Exercise is for people who can't handle drugs". I think it is safe to say exercise is my drug as I definitely cannot handle the real ones. I never once felt 'high', OK maybe I did forget, but I felt incapable of any social interactions. I would just be chilled out on a bean bag feeling nothing in a dark room. Far from the feeling of 'high' I was expecting and although people told me that is what being high is like, I cannot understand how opposite the feeling is to the word associated to the drug. I knew that I got real highs without damaging my lungs and brain when swimming, cycling and running. I'm glad I tried getting 'stoned' or 'high' and enjoyed going away but I'll be sticking to triathlon thanks. The endorphins they give me are greater than any drug can give and I am well and truly addicted.

  I just want to finish on the immense support I have received in the last day. Firstly Dean Karnazes replied personally to my email expressing that any inspiration I have received from him is reciprocated in my past and future achievements. WOW! He also continued to say he wanted me to continue sharing my aspirations with him. That was when I realised I had his email address. Now, I'm much like my Dad where I try to not get starstruck over celebrities, but I was officially struck. This to me was better than having Brad Pitt knock at my door! I have since replied giving the link to my blog which he again replied acknowledging he had read it. So if you are reading now Dean, thank you, you have even further rooted my determination. (I also highly recommend his books).

  Secondly, I received an email via Facebook from the fireman who helped my parents in Wales. The Ironman was a closed road event so a truck was needed to escort them to and from etc. (I honestly do not know the full details). It was this unexpected act of kindness that really did make me think in the mix of such tragedy there are some lovely people in this world. He wished his love and thoughts to us all and encouraged me to say hello at Tenby fire station next year, something I know my parents would like to do to say thank you.

  Thirdly, I have had some replies from the Channel Swimmers in regards to my worried email I sent about whether it is viable for me to still take part given my new IM goals. The camaraderie I have felt already within the group has really humbled me. The first explained that is definitely a viable challenge and batted away my worries about losing weight by telling me his low body fat percentage at the time of completing the channel last year with no wetsuit. He continued to point out that the water will be 17/18 degrees when we plan to do our crossing which is easily warm enough to do without too much acclimatisation (I'll take your word for it). He finished off by saying, "Plus, when you're in Ironman mode, nothing is impossible anyway" - touche! Another response which fiercely shows the team work required of such an event reiterated that acclimatisation doesn't take that long and will only benefit my Ironman training. He continued to say, "Let's face it - it'd be pretty cool to be able to say I swam the channel with a World Championship Ironman (as I'm never going to do go myself!) - so I'll offer now any support which I can, even if it's just tailoring some of our training around yours". How nice is that!

  Fourthly, I decided I wanted to become a Pirate. No I am not taking to the seas in search of treasure. These are a national group of triathletes who share their love of triathlons through banter and humour. They sport the Pirate kit which is yellow with a skull and cross bones on. I had heard of these for a while and had always wanted to get involved. None of the members take themselves too seriously (the website name pirate ship of fools should back that up) and the support that they get when competing in an event is amazing. I had seen quite a few when in Wales, one of whom hung back to talk to me when I was struggling. Since getting back from Wales I decided to post on Runners World online site and ask how I became a Pirate. When I finally found my post again it had 18 replies. It declared I was officially onboard. There was some banter shared between them all and in amongst the replies was the guy who I had met in Wales, his comment was "warning folks, she's good on the bike" which sparked much jokey hatred. What a small world. The initiation process to becoming a Pirate is the picking of a name for yourself, none of which I have seen are particularly complimentary. I was not surprised to see that someone had suggested Fanny (after the cook Fanny Craddock). It is supposed to be an amusing name so I suppose this did work but I'm awaiting anymore suggestions (I could live to regret that). So now I am also a Pirate and part of a further group of eager triathletes, many of whom are Ironmen too, to share and laugh about our experiences. I can't wait to get some kit!

  Fifthly, and lastly, I have received some really heartwarming messages on Twitter. I have never paid much attention to Twitter, until recently I didn't really understand it. I had been hacked on my account and only recently decided to sort this out. I made the decision to make my Twitter solely about my Ironman goals and to try and get my blog 'out there' as I know many have been successful in doing. (The author, Andrew Holgate, who inspired me by making me believe an Ironman was possible began his journey from a 'common man' to an Ironman and author from his blog). I had recently wondered how people get so many 'followers' on Twitter as well and wanted to increase mine as ultimately this would increase my blog views. I decided yesterday to post my blog on an inspirational man who had decided to quit smoking and then become and Ironman...in nine months. He has 460 followers in comparison to my 25, who I assume regularly read his blog updates. From the moment I posted my blog to him my Twitter went mental. I received messages and tweets labelling me as an inspiration and congratulating me on my achievement. I even had my own hash tag started, #Hollie4Kona, which I shall use from now on.
  By the end of the day I had 69 followers, including Andrew Holgate the guy who got it all started, an Olympic gold medallist with an MBE and a professional triathlete who I regularly follow. This particular role model of mine wrote, "Stay inspiring Hollie, read and admire your work". If there was ever a time to use the American saying 'stoked' this would be the time. I even exchanged online conversations with these people - again starstruck. So if you are all still following and reading this I thank you for your kind words, I cannot express how much it means to me. I also have to give a special thank you to Michael Barnett (@Smoker2Ironman) who started my 'Twittergate'. It's great to get my story heard and I can only use this for good to raise awareness as well as being a personal motivating factor. (I'm still new to Twitter really so go easy on me!). I was so heart warmed earlier that every email saying I had a new follower or new message made me feel emotional.
  Furthermore Dan had some amazing news that day as well. He is going to be in the local paper to promote his new business, they are getting the professional photographers round as well! Amidst the tragedy there is some light and it makes me think Rose is looking out for me and directing me. I also found a four leaf clover today - maybe this is a sign of things to come, it would be nice for our luck to change, I think we all deserve it.

A sign of things to come?
  It is evident that I have a strong support network. I could do nothing without the support of my family but I now have a larger network of people who range from celebrities, to team-mates, to professional athletes to hobbyist triathletes. However, all are vital for motivation and achieving my goal of getting to Kona. All I have to do now is put in the work to get to there. #Hollie4Kona

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