Emotional roller coaster

  This latest blog will fill in all the thoughts and emotions I have felt in the last week, and although I hate this saying, "It has been an emotional rollercoaster".

  At the start of the week I was positive thinking about my marathon time ambitions and getting excited seeing my progress and times improve. I even started to think of other sporting events I would one day like to complete as with the popularity of Ironman I don't know whether it will always be as big a challenge. As an increasing number of people start believing an Ironman is possible it doesn't make the event as exclusive anymore. Maybe someday not too far away being an Ironman won't be as mammoth. This is not me being jealous of others becoming one as I think it is an amazing thing for the sport and for peoples ambitions. However, in order to keep bragging rights I feel I may need to step the intensity up - I seem to have a constant need to make things harder and to better myself. With this in mind the events I would like to complete are; The Norseman Ironman distance triathlon (officially the hardest Ironman distance event due to its location in Norway and extreme weather conditions), a double Ironman, a solo channel swim crossing (non-wetsuit), Marathon des Sables (running across the Sahara for 7 days) and probably the one that will be my last endurance event, The Arch to Arc (an extreme endurance triathlon over two countries - Britain and France . Running for 87miles to Dover followed by a channel swim then topped off with an 181mile bike to Paris).
  I am aware that completing an Ironman was a lifetime goal which I honestly did not expect to achieve until I was much older but the events I have just listed truly are lifetime goals due to the sheer difficulty and length of them. I would need to build my endurance capabilities over time and naturally endurance qualities build with age.
  With all these grand and difficult endurance events I asked myself the question, "Would my Ironman tattoo seem insignificant?". My answer is no. My Ironman marks a landmark and made me an endurance athlete. It will be the one endurance event I shall compete in more than any. Crossing the line in Wales proved that anything is possible and my journey and love of endurance events started from that point.

  On Wednesday I went for another 40mile bike ride with Jane. I thoroughly enjoyed this ride even if my legs were still aching from the Duathlon on the Sunday. My thighs were on fire when I tackled even the slightest incline, of which there is a lot in the Chilterns! The time went really quick and again we chatted about everything and anything including getting royally pissed off at the drivers who would beep and swear at us for cycling side-by-side. I know that any non-cyclist or triathlete out there may think we are ignorant for doing this but, we only do it when there is ample room to overtake i.e. a car can pass us with free room on the other side of the road. On top of that, as it is said when learning to drive you should give a single cyclist as much room as a car when overtaking so therefore having two cyclists riding side-by-side makes no difference to how they SHOULD be driving and overtaking. In fact it lessens the chance of an accident as the risky drivers aren't then tempted to do an overtake so close to the cyclist it could danger them. As Jane tells her children, "If they can beep they can see you".

  On a completely separate note I was told the other day that David Beckham is joining Gordon Ramsey at the Ironman World Championships in Kona in 2014. Although I completely disagree that as they are celebrities they can get a 'free card' to Kona as opposed to qualifying like the rest of us, it would be quite nice to see Beckham in lycra. My only chance to get to see that sight would be to qualify in Lanzarote so there's another bit of motivation.

  However, although I had an extra shot of motivation it didn't seem to last. This blog was always going to highlight the highs and lows when training for Ironman and I have most definitely been encountered the low. On Thursday I travelled to give my sister a hand to squeeze when she got a tattoo of Rosie's name on her thigh.

Emma's new tattoo

It was when as I was leaving my sister that the strong mental attitude I had been hanging onto plummeted. Emma began getting emotional saying goodbye and yet again I tried to not crumble, which I didn't. I didn't however want to leave. I wanted to hug my beautiful sister forever, comfort her, take her pain away and be taken away from the horrible situation we are in. After Emma persuaded me to go and drive safely I left and went to see my mum at work before heading home. Mum was just heading out as I got there but again after talking and hugging I didn't want to leave. I have never been one to get homesick but saying goodbye to my family at a time like this made me upset that I didn't live closer. I think I cried the whole way home listening to Lana Del Ray 'Young and Beautiful' on repeat.
  That night I didn't go swimming with the Tri Club as I honestly needed a break. I had some red wine which helped me chill out. When word got to mum that I hadn't gone training she was worried as missing training session (especially swimming) was a sure sign something was wrong. I assured her I just needed a little break as I had been feeling a chesty cough coming on and felt physically and mentally exhausted. I hadn't given myself much time to grieve or really take in what has happened and I just did what I always do to try and forget and focus - swim, cycle and run. I thought throwing myself back into what I love would be beneficial, but even the strongest of us need to take a step back. I had been trying to stay strong for everyone for so long that now it just hit me like a brick. I have always bottled my emotions and hate people seeing me cry so this weakness on my behalf was not welcome. I know I have a close family who are there to support me but we are all struggling and each one of us doesn't want to bring another down.

  On the Friday after my missed swim session it was back to work and I had a full blown cold, cough and sore throat. As well as that I was as emotionally low as I have ever felt. I hardly spoke all day and was asked countless times if I was OK. I'm normally the bubbly and loud one at work and with me being so quiet it was obvious something was up. Although I was feeling ill and by many others standards it would have meant a sick day, my emotional state was what was really the issue. I was wiping away tears at my desk and on many occasions went to the toilet to cry. One of my friends, Lisa, who works in Sky Sports did pop over in the afternoon and see me which was lovely of her and although I haven't been able to open up to anyone, to my surprise she definitely helped me get some stuff out. I was so relieved when my 12 hour shift was over and I could go home.
  Although my mood picked up a little on the Saturday at work, even now I am still not feeling myself. I did a leg training session on Sunday as I got a little bit of motivation after reading an article about the guy who started my Twittergate in TriathlonPlus magazine. This outlined how he came from a chain smoker and junk food lover into an Ironman in 6months. However, I still had a drink that night (as I don't drink a lot anymore this was out of character to be drinking every night) and due to a lack of protein, I am walking like John Wayne, side-walking downstairs and struggling to sit down to this day after my leg workout. On Monday night, you guessed it, I had another drink and had to tell Dan I was unable to watch '999 What's Your Emergency' as I kept thinking about Rose. The question that keeps playing in my mind is "How can someone so young, lively and healthy just not wake up?". I still cannot get over I will never see her again, she will never see my house or my children. I have even started to get the guilty feeling that comes with grieving; "Could I have done anything?". I know I was awake that night - why didn't I go and check? I have been telling my sister not to feel guilt ever since it happened so I know in my head I shouldn't be questioning these things - but I can't help it. There are many more questions I have been asking myself but fear I am turning this into a counselling diary so shall stop. 
  The point I want to make from this is related to training. Maybe I need to go against my own theory of self-assessed training. I know I am trying to get to Kona for Rose but right now I cannot get my head in the right place. Maybe a professionally made structured training plan will have to be a consideration for me even if I have never been keen on being tied and un-flexible. Again, it is early doors and this is JUST a consideration. And although it all seems lost it is coming through the low motivational times that makes an endurance athlete. Every long distance triathlete struggles with motivation sometimes, it is getting through it that makes you stronger. I know I won't give up on my goal I just need to push through.

  As if I didn't feel low enough the survey from our perfect house came back with a whole array of problems yesterday so unless the price is lowered then we need to start looking again. The house was my light at the end of the tunnel and I was holding all my excitement for our move in date. I tried not to think about the negatives of this too much and on the Tuesday night (yesterday) I went to a Channel Swim meeting. I am planning to do this next August as a relay team and this meet up was to get some more information about costs and protocol. For people who haven't read all of my blog my team wants to do this non-wetsuit which makes it a registered channel swim. With that means more acclimatisation training, more rules and stronger teamwork. We all need to have a medical and be assessed completing a 2hour swim below 17 degrees in skins (i.e. no wetsuit). We would also be assessed during the actual event to make sure we don't break the rules. The swim relay changeover has to be completed in 5 minutes and there is a certain way to do this. Both swimmers are not allowed to touch the boat or each other during the switchover otherwise it is an instant failed channel crossing. This means there is more pressure on understanding the rules and our teamwork. As I mentioned earlier another lifetime challenge is to complete a solo channel crossing and this is just another step towards that goal. It will give me an understanding of what it entails and what better time than with people I trust and get along well with who are all motivated and determined to succeed. I cannot lie however and say that this is going to be easy. I have no issue with the distance, I know I can complete 4hours of swimming especially when you consider the distance I complete during an Ironman. My fears lie much deeper than that - literally. I do not like sea creatures and hate to think what is lurking beneath me. I have a particular phobia of whales and jellyfish. I will be swimming alone for an hour at a time, left to my own thoughts and imagination. Although this is quite therapeutic at times it will not be if I am thinking of what lies in the dark waters beneath me. I also hate being cold, the circulation in my hands and feet is poor and I have never been open water swimming without a wetsuit as I am too much of a woos. There is more, I have been petrified of the dark from a child and shamefully still sleep with a night light (much to Dan's annoyance). Swimming alone in the dark (overnight), in the sea when cold is scarier to me than ANY Ironman (maybe even Lanzarote). What did I say my new favourite quote was? 'If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough' - shit.