The time is now

 This blog is more of a filling in and for me will be relatively short. Since coming back from Lanzarote I have done a fair bit of training; a Wattbike test, some testing runs, a few bike rides, a Tri Club swim and 2 open water non wetsuit swims as part of my Channel Swim training. One of these was in Bournemouth and I got so cold it was unpleasant and only managed 1h20 when I was aiming for 1h30. My pace just wasn't up to scratch meaning my heart rate wasn't up and my core temperature suffered. I did manage to restore my faith at the tri club swim however as I kept the pace up when doing 100m sets hitting 1m30 on occasions.
 However, getting over my disappointment in Lanzarote has been a slow process physically and mentally. It hangs over me. My recovery has been slow and I have picked up 2 illnesses since getting back. I kept thinking to myself I didn't react like this last time, but then last time was different. I was faced with the tragic distraction of losing Rosie so I didn't know whether this fatigue was normal. I have been worn out, fatigued and my body was just not playing ball. So yes, I listened. I cut back from the training I was doing and faced some other demons.
 One of these demons is my next event, Ironman 70.3 in Wimbleball. This is a half Ironman in Devon that I attempted last year and did not finish due to crashing on the bike. Wimbleball is NOT an easy course and the bike course is the hardest in the world. I hadn't been back to the area since and even though I have probably done worse climbs in Lanzarote I fear the course even though I have no expectations for myself. On top of this I am worried about the spot where I came off last time and as I have never completed a half I for reason worry about it and with my slow recovery I was also worried about even finishing. This is something I just need to MTFU (man the fuck up) and get on with. I know I can do the distance, I've done a full Ironman twice with the hardest climbs in the world. I just needed to have faith in my ability. Since getting a boost on Twitter I am actually looking forward to the event especially as I'll be 'glamping' on site so no faffing with travelling down windy roads like last year and fearing I would ruin my car or be late for the event. I hope to soak up the atmosphere and just get round. I am not going to write down a time in which I would like to finish, in my head I have a time but my priority is just to finish in one piece (something my mum who was there worrying last year will be pleased to hear).

 On another point before Lanzarote I was eating well(ish) but I am not going to lie I had treats. I worked a lot of overtime and couldn't be bothered to cook when I got home after training so I would get a takeaway for dinner. I know this isn't a sin and even pro triathletes devour a Burger King once in a while as a congratulations. For me however it was the habitual ease of it. On top of that I have a very sensitive stomach (I've been diagnosed with IBS on some occasions but never say I have it as am sceptical of it being an actual condition). I've even done extreme exclusion diets to try and figure out the root cause. Not having enough fibre in one day for me can make me feel horrible for days. So I would go on my 'kick' of being good again until I was back to being lazy when preparing food - talk about catch 22. However, I cannot just blame work on this routine. For the last 3 months I have been living at Dan's nan's house, in a small spare room whilst the house went through (due to previous houses falling through we then lost our rental). I have been living out of a bag, not the stability someone who is trying to qualify for the World Championships needs. People may say this is a rubbish excuse but having my own space is something I pride and when I lost this my stability and motivation faltered. I fear that this may come across wrong to Dan's nan as she has been so welcoming and kind to let us stay for as long as we have, and I honestly cannot thank her enough for that. So my eating habits weren't great but I stayed consistent. I would be bad for a few days and equal it out the next (always getting a good high fibre breakfast in there - which ultimately saved me from serious discomfort). As I write this however I am in a huge amount of discomfort. I came back from Lanzarote and felt unstable, not helped by my mental disappointment (the majority of my stuff is yet to be unpacked due to lack of space). I am still motivated to get to Kona but just lacked the drive to get there. My diet was crap, I had no appetite so I ate anything just to keep the hunger pains away but this lacked my needed fibre. I have been told that after a big event like an Ironman you need those days to eat what you want to get it out of your system. Today however I spent the majority of the day in the foetal position feeling sorry for myself and I have currently consumed Buscopan, Iburpofen, Paracetamol and have a heat patch around my stomach. I thought I had food poisoning from the Beef Chow Mein I had delivered to work when on a night shift but although that may be the final factor for why I feel like this, I doubt it was because of a dodgy cow. So I have decided it is time for a change, and it is quite a drastic one...

 Last Friday I made a decision to move out, on my own. I had been fearing writing this down so not to offend anyone and worried about sharing too much of my life on a blogging site, but at the end of the day I always said this was a public diary and my personal journey. That said I am not delving far into my personal life. Being in such close confinement with someone no matter how close you are effects one another. I craved space and stability and I was getting neither where I was. I am also acutely aware I have changed as a person since losing Rose. My outlook on life and what I want from it has changed. I want to get to Kona for Rosie and accept every opportunity that comes my way. What I have learned from Lanzarote however, is that in order to get to Kona I need to make a change and make more sacrifices. Ironman is getting more competitive, even in my age group. Times for qualifying are going down and I need to get fitter and faster with them. So from Monday I make the change - I move out and focus on myself. I will be closer to my family something I think will help us all emotionally especially for me and my sister. She has been desperate for me to be closer since losing Rosie so we could comfort one another. I refused due to the commute to work, but an opportunity (my brothers old house becoming empty) made me make the push. I know deep down I am not coping well without Rose, years of pushing my feelings aside for trying to be 'the strong one' has come back to haunt me. Moving in alone also means I can pay complete and direct attention to Wales this year. This is my 'A' race and I really want to make it this year as I feel it would be the best place for me to qualify. I would therefore have completed my journey where it started. I will be focussing all I have to training in the next few months. My diet will be spot on, I'm in the process of making my nutrition plan now. There will be smoothies, fibre and even possibly tea without milk! (Green, fruit, peppermint, you name it I will try it). Dinner's will be simple, meat and vegetables and lunches will be pre made so not to be tempted to be lazy. Organisation is now key. I have never lived alone properly and know the motivation to cook well for yourself can be a struggle and that's where organisation is essential. Moreover, I hope to see some weight loss between now and Wales which will help my ability as well as my own confidence. Although none of this is about looking good I still have my hang ups that I would like to rid.
 So it's onto a detox for me. I am excited for this next chapter. With 98 days to Ironman Wales the time is now.