Apologies for the slack blog update, I'll make it my New Year's Resolution to try and get my act together. Although it has been shocking 3 weeks since I wrote on here, I am unsure what has really happened. I'm sure once I get started I'll find stuff to say so here goes...
Despite my positive outlook and motivation on my last post I have still been struggling emotionally with the loss of Rosie. Although I am not drinking as much as I was to numb the pain I have had a few times in the last month where I have felt the need to have a drink. Most notably if Dan was out at night I would without fail have a bottle of wine to myself. I just cannot stand being alone.
I mentioned in my previous update that I was going to Nottingham on the 14th November for a memorial service Rosie's university friends had organised. I managed to shift some of my night shifts so I was able to be with my sister for a few days as well. So after waking up after a 7 day night stint I drove down to my parents house (with my puppy Larry of course). I had a nice dinner with Emma, Des and the kids and then I went to my parents to sleep before going to Nottingham the day after. Amber, 13, had decided to come and stay with me too which was lovely. When I got in I sorted the post out and found one for myself. Upon opening it I found a letter and medal from Nicola, a woman I have mentioned before. I met her whilst training in Tenby earlier this year and became an Ironman herself in her hometown of Tenby last year. She was so welcoming; taking me on a recce of the run route and inviting me to join a sea swim. The medal she had sent me is another to add to my collection on the wall (see picture).
'Tenby Aces' is the cycling club she is a part of and as the recent Ironmen were getting these personalised medals made she decided to get me one. In her letter she also made me an honourary member of the Tenby Aces. It is these little acts of kindness that gives me some reassurance that the world is a nice place. I sat on the floor by the door (where I opened the envelope) and cried holding the medal close to me. Thank you so much again Nicola, it may be something small, but it means so much to me. I shall definitely try and arrange a visit to join you and the Tenby Aces on a ride.
I was up late that night and then awoke early. The night before I had promised to go on a bike ride with my nephew, Tom, on his new road bike and my brother in law, Des before we left for Nottingham and we did a 45 minute ride around the area. Although Tom had his first crash as he got his laces caught in the cassette it was a great ride- chasing one another and prentending to be Wiggins, Frome and Cavendish. I later told Tom that every cyclist has to have an intiation fall and that it now meant he was a proper road cyclist. Memories like this are the ones you cherish.
After getting ready we left for Nottingham, of course later than planned, and were almost instantly greeted with standstill traffic on the A34 because of a lorry fire. Moods were high up until we began approaching Nottingham. Everything began to slot into place as to why we were there. Everyone began revealing memories of places they had been with Rose. I however found this tough. I had promised Rosie I would go up and see her in Nottingham - we would go out together and obviously get embarrasingly drunk. I had never found the time to do this as I thought I would have plenty of time to do so. Guilt, the one emotion I hadn't encounteered yet, began to make an appearance. I sat quietly to myself with tears rolling down my face. When we arrived in the centre of Nottingham we dropped my sister and the kids off as Emma decided she didn't want to see the halls where Rosie lived (we were parking on the same road). I however wanted to see where she had been so keen for me to go. As Des and Ryan (Rosie's boyfriend) showed me her old flat I took a step back and broke down. The guilt I felt and the unfairness of what we were doing just seemed to explode inside me. The strength I had spoken about in my previous blog had failed me now. Although I hadn't planned to I decided to have some wine when we got to a bar, however, I couldn't stomach any food. Two large red wines later and I felt calmer. We met with the friends who had arranged the memorial and then headed off to where it was being held at the university. Emma and I walked hand in hand and both agreed it was evident to see why Rosie was so happy here. Nottingham is a lovely city and I begrudge myself and regret not going there sooner. I will be back in July 2014 to compete in the Outlaw (an Ironman distance triathlon). I am sure that will be a weekend with filled with emotion.
Rosie's university memorial was truly beautiful and there was not a dry eye in the whole room. It is testament to her personality how loved she was, and still is, and how much she will be missed. In the short space of a year whilst she was at university she made such a positive impact on other peoples lives. I would be honoured if I was loved as much as she is, and although I begrudge the world for taking Rosie too soon she was happy in every aspect of her life and that is so comforting for me and my family. Whilst there we were all given pink heart tags to write on which we could then tie up anywhere in Nottingham or within the university. This was to share a message that reminded us of Rosie, or to tell others what we have learnt from her passing. I tied mine to the University gates (fitting I thought as I was told Rosie would run through them when late for a lecture - which I can imagine was often). I wrote on mine "It's never too old to play with Barbies" which referred to Rose and I as children. I played with Barbies and the like probably much older than I should've done because I wanted to play with Rosie who was of the age being three years younger. This is one thing I will never regret - there is no rush to grow up if you love who you are being young with. These memories of my childhood are the ones that give me the most comfort but also the most pain. I will however remember them forever.
We had, another, drink at the brand new student union which we all agreed Rosie would've been in her element in and then began the 2 hour journey home. We all reflected on how thankful we were to the two girls who arranged the memorial. Although I will never really be able to say goodbye it was a lovely thing for them to do to celebrate her life.
Now I'll get back to Ironman. I have still been unable to run due to my ongoing knee injury but did continue training by going spinning and swimming. Admittedly it is nowhere near the volume which I want and need to be training due to my mind being elsewhere, but that will come. Having said that, this week I have began stepping it up again. Eating better, spinning on a regular basis, and going on my first run in over a month. I had my last prolotherapy injection on Wednesday so hopefully the ligament damage on the inside of my knee starts to feel better when running. As for my ITB problem I am still waiting to see the physio but have been doing some foam roller work on it.
In the weeks before I stepped up the actual training I was getting involved in some forums on runnersworld, mainly where 'pirates' (the group of triathletes I have mentioned previously) communicate by sharing words of wisdom or pose questions which normally ends up in some sort of jokey banter. One question I posed came under some criticism and debate. I merely asked if anyone else was crazy enough to be doing Ironman Lanzarote and Wales next year for a social aspect. I also added in I had planned to do Outlaw as well as I had booked this before any future Kona aspirations or the other events were made. Some picked up on the price of all doing three which angered me as that was really nothing to do with it and rather than pick up on me being socialable it turned out being a query as to whether I should be doing the Outlaw at all. There was also a mini argument between some which was completely irrelevant started by a seemingly rude writer. Not the best first forum experience to have but was assured it doesn't happen often - usually, as I expected, it really is lighthearted banter. I didn't really get an answer to what I wanted to be answered, however with that said I did get some good advice and support from the people once I explained why I was doing what I was doing. The majority, if not all, believe I should not do Outlaw given my goal and the closeness it is to Ironman Wales (7 weeks). Some even suggested changing to a relay as opposed to doing it solo. However, although these sound like valid ideas I have a strong emotional attachment to doing the Outlaw solo. As I mentioned earlier it is in Nottingham where Rosie went to university which speaks for itself. Furthermore I made a promise in the church during Rosie's tribute that I would be doing the Outlaw. This was also infront of her university friends who I asked for support as they would all know I would be doing it for Rose. So, I want to do it for my own personal reasons. Despite some of the against Outlaw remarks I was reassured as I was told others have done and succeeded in both, obviously it's a given that they may not have had my goal but I will give all of them everything I have got regardless. Furthermore, I am aware that 3 Ironman's in one year is a lot of stress on the body but it was also noted that I am young so therefore my recovery will be quicker. Finally, a previous tweet I received pointed out I have what many do not, a reason and need to succeed.
As well as talking about the quandry over participating in Outlaw I was also notified that Becky Hoare, a successful Ironman who qualified and finished Kona this year is now competing in Ironman Lanzarote, in my age group. I had heard of her as she is local to my parents and is from Salisbury where I went to school. As well as that she follows me on Twitter - so may well read this and will most likely know my story and goals. (She could well be sniffing me out as I am her? It as a competiton afterall). It would be therefore stupid to think Becky is not going for another Kona slot. I felt as if I had been punched, hard. I had begun to assess my competiton before as I wrote about in 'If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough' on the 20th October, but Becky was not on the start line then. The conclusion I came to then was that all I can do is my best, however I was still ever hopeful. Becky Hoare however is another level, qualifying for Kona in Wales in 11h41and completing Kona in 10h31 (coming 7th in her age group). I felt sick, scared and upset. I was mostly upset as I didn't want to let anyone down - particularly my parents who had put so much into coming and arranging it as a holiday. I told them both that it may not be my time and they questioned whether I still wanted to go for it. I would've loved to have said no and find another with less competition but I cannot avoid her and even if I did wherever I go there will be another threat (I also don't consider myself a woos or coward). My mum also said. "You could never let me down" which made my heart glow.
I was up late that night and then awoke early. The night before I had promised to go on a bike ride with my nephew, Tom, on his new road bike and my brother in law, Des before we left for Nottingham and we did a 45 minute ride around the area. Although Tom had his first crash as he got his laces caught in the cassette it was a great ride- chasing one another and prentending to be Wiggins, Frome and Cavendish. I later told Tom that every cyclist has to have an intiation fall and that it now meant he was a proper road cyclist. Memories like this are the ones you cherish.
After getting ready we left for Nottingham, of course later than planned, and were almost instantly greeted with standstill traffic on the A34 because of a lorry fire. Moods were high up until we began approaching Nottingham. Everything began to slot into place as to why we were there. Everyone began revealing memories of places they had been with Rose. I however found this tough. I had promised Rosie I would go up and see her in Nottingham - we would go out together and obviously get embarrasingly drunk. I had never found the time to do this as I thought I would have plenty of time to do so. Guilt, the one emotion I hadn't encounteered yet, began to make an appearance. I sat quietly to myself with tears rolling down my face. When we arrived in the centre of Nottingham we dropped my sister and the kids off as Emma decided she didn't want to see the halls where Rosie lived (we were parking on the same road). I however wanted to see where she had been so keen for me to go. As Des and Ryan (Rosie's boyfriend) showed me her old flat I took a step back and broke down. The guilt I felt and the unfairness of what we were doing just seemed to explode inside me. The strength I had spoken about in my previous blog had failed me now. Although I hadn't planned to I decided to have some wine when we got to a bar, however, I couldn't stomach any food. Two large red wines later and I felt calmer. We met with the friends who had arranged the memorial and then headed off to where it was being held at the university. Emma and I walked hand in hand and both agreed it was evident to see why Rosie was so happy here. Nottingham is a lovely city and I begrudge myself and regret not going there sooner. I will be back in July 2014 to compete in the Outlaw (an Ironman distance triathlon). I am sure that will be a weekend with filled with emotion.
Rosie's university memorial was truly beautiful and there was not a dry eye in the whole room. It is testament to her personality how loved she was, and still is, and how much she will be missed. In the short space of a year whilst she was at university she made such a positive impact on other peoples lives. I would be honoured if I was loved as much as she is, and although I begrudge the world for taking Rosie too soon she was happy in every aspect of her life and that is so comforting for me and my family. Whilst there we were all given pink heart tags to write on which we could then tie up anywhere in Nottingham or within the university. This was to share a message that reminded us of Rosie, or to tell others what we have learnt from her passing. I tied mine to the University gates (fitting I thought as I was told Rosie would run through them when late for a lecture - which I can imagine was often). I wrote on mine "It's never too old to play with Barbies" which referred to Rose and I as children. I played with Barbies and the like probably much older than I should've done because I wanted to play with Rosie who was of the age being three years younger. This is one thing I will never regret - there is no rush to grow up if you love who you are being young with. These memories of my childhood are the ones that give me the most comfort but also the most pain. I will however remember them forever.
We had, another, drink at the brand new student union which we all agreed Rosie would've been in her element in and then began the 2 hour journey home. We all reflected on how thankful we were to the two girls who arranged the memorial. Although I will never really be able to say goodbye it was a lovely thing for them to do to celebrate her life.
Now I'll get back to Ironman. I have still been unable to run due to my ongoing knee injury but did continue training by going spinning and swimming. Admittedly it is nowhere near the volume which I want and need to be training due to my mind being elsewhere, but that will come. Having said that, this week I have began stepping it up again. Eating better, spinning on a regular basis, and going on my first run in over a month. I had my last prolotherapy injection on Wednesday so hopefully the ligament damage on the inside of my knee starts to feel better when running. As for my ITB problem I am still waiting to see the physio but have been doing some foam roller work on it.
In the weeks before I stepped up the actual training I was getting involved in some forums on runnersworld, mainly where 'pirates' (the group of triathletes I have mentioned previously) communicate by sharing words of wisdom or pose questions which normally ends up in some sort of jokey banter. One question I posed came under some criticism and debate. I merely asked if anyone else was crazy enough to be doing Ironman Lanzarote and Wales next year for a social aspect. I also added in I had planned to do Outlaw as well as I had booked this before any future Kona aspirations or the other events were made. Some picked up on the price of all doing three which angered me as that was really nothing to do with it and rather than pick up on me being socialable it turned out being a query as to whether I should be doing the Outlaw at all. There was also a mini argument between some which was completely irrelevant started by a seemingly rude writer. Not the best first forum experience to have but was assured it doesn't happen often - usually, as I expected, it really is lighthearted banter. I didn't really get an answer to what I wanted to be answered, however with that said I did get some good advice and support from the people once I explained why I was doing what I was doing. The majority, if not all, believe I should not do Outlaw given my goal and the closeness it is to Ironman Wales (7 weeks). Some even suggested changing to a relay as opposed to doing it solo. However, although these sound like valid ideas I have a strong emotional attachment to doing the Outlaw solo. As I mentioned earlier it is in Nottingham where Rosie went to university which speaks for itself. Furthermore I made a promise in the church during Rosie's tribute that I would be doing the Outlaw. This was also infront of her university friends who I asked for support as they would all know I would be doing it for Rose. So, I want to do it for my own personal reasons. Despite some of the against Outlaw remarks I was reassured as I was told others have done and succeeded in both, obviously it's a given that they may not have had my goal but I will give all of them everything I have got regardless. Furthermore, I am aware that 3 Ironman's in one year is a lot of stress on the body but it was also noted that I am young so therefore my recovery will be quicker. Finally, a previous tweet I received pointed out I have what many do not, a reason and need to succeed.
As well as talking about the quandry over participating in Outlaw I was also notified that Becky Hoare, a successful Ironman who qualified and finished Kona this year is now competing in Ironman Lanzarote, in my age group. I had heard of her as she is local to my parents and is from Salisbury where I went to school. As well as that she follows me on Twitter - so may well read this and will most likely know my story and goals. (She could well be sniffing me out as I am her? It as a competiton afterall). It would be therefore stupid to think Becky is not going for another Kona slot. I felt as if I had been punched, hard. I had begun to assess my competiton before as I wrote about in 'If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough' on the 20th October, but Becky was not on the start line then. The conclusion I came to then was that all I can do is my best, however I was still ever hopeful. Becky Hoare however is another level, qualifying for Kona in Wales in 11h41and completing Kona in 10h31 (coming 7th in her age group). I felt sick, scared and upset. I was mostly upset as I didn't want to let anyone down - particularly my parents who had put so much into coming and arranging it as a holiday. I told them both that it may not be my time and they questioned whether I still wanted to go for it. I would've loved to have said no and find another with less competition but I cannot avoid her and even if I did wherever I go there will be another threat (I also don't consider myself a woos or coward). My mum also said. "You could never let me down" which made my heart glow.
As Ironman is becoming more popular it gets more competitive. As well as that getting to the World Championships was never going to be easy - I'm racing world champions after all! I am deflated but it Has to be said that there are more chances - Ironman is a global event with some American events not being as popular. Maybe with the popularity of Ironman people are being drawn to the most feared ie. Wales and Lanzarote (like me) and want to tick them off for challenges sake.
On that note, Wales has already sold out which is a record for them. I got my Wales entry in June this year and I still believe there were places in August until the had to close registration for organisational reasons! This boost in Ironman is great as it means others are taking the leap to achieve what can only be described as the proudest moment of my life. I have to ask though, I wonder how many of them know what they're getting into? Would be interesting to see how many finish. I'm not meaning to be synical but being in and amongst forums now it is amazing to hear some of the things people consider enough training to do an Ironman.
I just want to finish off by saying to Becky Hoare, sorry to have researched you so much - I'm sure you're doing the same and please go easy on me in Lanzarote! I'll be trying my hardest too!
I just want to finish off by saying to Becky Hoare, sorry to have researched you so much - I'm sure you're doing the same and please go easy on me in Lanzarote! I'll be trying my hardest too!
Two final things that I want to mention is my idea to possibly get a coach. I believe that given my competition, goals and emotional state, it would be a great way to get some focussed and professional advice. Although as I have said a lot, I wasn't too keen on coaching and believed I can assess myself and didn't need one I think given my mental state it would help. Moreover, although I can assess myself I don't know much on how to get faster, just running more distance is not enough - I need structured and focussed fartlek sessions. When it comes to swimming, although the Tri Club is great for swim base training, a coach will be able to properly breakdown my swim technique and make the minor adjustments which can make a big difference, maybe even sub 1hour?! This 1-on-1 training will also be invaluable for the bike as well. I had began looking into this before but struggled to find anyone close to where I live. However, I recently read a blog by a Twitter friend, Amy Kilpin, who also became an Ironman in 2013 in Bolton. She has been sponsored and now on the road to go pro. She is also a member of Chiltern Tri and I read in her blog she had changed coach to one in High Wycombe, Rick Kiddle, who is 10 minutes from me. He has a wealth of experience being one of the first triathletes in Britain and went on to win at the British Championships, representing GB on many occassions. He then decided to go into coaching and now has many Wattbike's (my new favourtie training toy) and an endless pool (where you swim against the current - perfect for perfecting stroke technique). So that's definitely an exciting and motivational consideration and something to think about for the New Year - financing it however may be the restriction.
Finally, I have decided to get a custom tri-suit made. This would have the pirate triathlete skull and cross bones on the front but most importantly have a Pink Rose on the back and 'For Rosie' and '#Hollie4Kona' written on various places around the suit. I am also in the process of trying to find some sponsors which of course would mean they would be on there too. Furthermore, the sales director of the company who makes the kit, VO2 Sportswear, read my story in 220 Triathlon magazine and has offered 50% off to help with my sponsorship. Again, these acts of kindness gives me some faith in the world.
I'm most certainly down about particular things out of my control, but I am not out...
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